Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Getting to know me

I spent the first 29 years of my life living a life that was not mine.
I tried to do what everyone told me to do and please everyone around me, even if it meant doing things I didn't want to do.
Don't misunderstand me. I love pleasing people. I live to please. Nothing makes me happier than pleasing my friends. But I had to draw the line somewhere and finally 2 years ago I did.
I put everyone else's feeling and desires before mine, and that was wrong. For example, if my friends wanted to go out and I didn't feel like it, I would go out just to please them. When I went shopping for clothes, I let my friends decide what I would wear, only to please them. If I wanted to do something and someone told me it was not "cool", I would not do it just because they said so.
I decided to grow up and think about me. Yes, it was a selfish act, but it was more than enough overdue.
Today, I am a happy person. Happier than I've ever been in a long time or maybe even in forever. I do the things I want and I lead the kind of life that I want to lead.
Yes, I am a geek and a nerd and I LOVE IT. Before, I wouldn't dare do the "nerd talk" in front of my friends because they thought it was not "cool" to do so. I could only share my geeky stuff with a few closet geeks I found along the way, but it was always kept as a secret.
Now, everything is different.
Yes. I love gazing at the stars. That's why I bought myself a telescope.
Yes. I love computers. That's why I have 5 of them at home (and thinking of buying a new one).
Yes. I love animals. That's why I have 5 cats, 4 birds and 5 fishes, and why I had 2 dogs and 4 turtles before I moved.
Yes. I love cars. That's why I'm racing my baby and going to local races.
Yes. I love photography. That's why I bought myself a camera and take it with me wherever I go.
I have yet many mountains to conquer.
I am a closet affectionate. I still can't show my emotions the way I want to, but I'm working on that.
Although it seems weird, I love spending time at home, in my room, and with my family. I hug and kiss my parents every single day, and though I haven't told them I love them in a while, I show them the way I feel about them in every which way I can.
I am a law abiding citizen and I have morals. Now, I am not a Miss Goodie Two Shoes. I've done several things in my life that would make you blush if I told you some of them (sometimes I even blush myself when I remember them!). But DAMN they were fun! And if the opportunity should arise again I am sure I would do them once more and enjoy them and even go a little further to get in touch with my inner freak...
I would not harm anyone, at least not consciously (or if they didn't deserve it). I have my values and I respect them. I am not the one to judge, but there are some things I do not applaud or condone and certainly would not go ahead with. And if you ever expect me to do so, you are mistaken. I will not be happy for you if you got in the way of a relationship (any type of relationship for that matter) or if you lie and cheat to get what you want.
I hate disloyalty. I hate lies. I hate misconceptions. I hate people who judge others. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
I don't usually go around making friends. Actually, it's kind of hard to me to do so. I am very shy and so not outgoing it hurts. But now, when I feel like befriending someone, I do it and that's it.
I love my friends to pieces. Old and new. I would do anything for them (as long as it's not illegal) and I don't expect anything in return.
If I wanna buy something, I buy it. If I wanna give something as a gift to someone, I will do so. If I wanna tell them how I feel (either about things or about them), most certainly will.
I spent almost 10 years of my life in a very closed relationship. When I came out of it, I valued my friends more than ever, and that has stuck ever since.
I am single because I want to. I need to feel free and do as I please. This is one of the reasons why I've stayed single for the past few years (not for lack of opportunities).
Nowadays, if my friends are going out and I feel like staying at home with my family, my nieces and nephews or even my babies, I will. It doesn't matter what others want me to do. It doesn't matter if people judge me as a "jamona" or a "totá." It's my life and I will live it the way I want to. And if you don't like it, you can go your own way. TOUGH!
So what if I enjoy spending my weekends playing a game on my XBox or my computer? So what if I enjoy a Saturday night by chatting with someone online? So what if I love to watch TV? So what if I feel like going out and having a few drinks and spending time with my friends? So what if I "bump" into some guy and laugh about my hookup the morning after?
With me, what you see is what you get. I don't care if you're old or young (though I've been favoring the latter lately, ji ji ji!). So what if you're dirt poor or filthy rich? I like you for who you are and not for what you have!
I know I'm weird and complicated, but my life is an open book and I am most certainly enjoying it as I write this...I don't know what I want to do with my life when I grow up, but what I do know is that right now I am very happy with where I am and who I am (aside for that baby fat I have yet to lose).
There is nothing hidden with me. I won't deceive the ones that know me and will certainly not deceive the ones I will get to know from now on.
Please be reminded that I am not perfect, but I can assure you that with a little conversation and lots of love everything will turn out right.

Oh, and one more thing...
For this new friend who for the second time in my life has inspired me to write a serious post: I hope our friendship will be a long lasting one and don't worry, I won't deceive or disappoint you (at least, I will try not to). And just so you know:



Anonymous said...

Hey Bracuta,
Loved your post. I know exactly how you feel. Times have changed and us geeks are cool now. Go figure.

Te me cuidas

Anonymous said...

Queen of song?!?!
I don't think so. That would be ME!!!!
Quit lying to people :P

-Zanahoria :P

Anonymous said...

Hey Bracuta! I love your blogg!!! soy dominicana, pero resido en estados unidos, leo tu blogg casi diario y me gusta muchisimo;sobre tu post, me siento super identificada con el, ya veo que no soy la unica que se ha sentido asi alguna vez! Cuidate Mucho!!!!

LaGuira.com said...

Love your post.
Que vivan los geeks!
Pues me siento ser uno!
La Guira

Anonymous said...

He tomado ultimamente la buena costumbre de leer tu blog dos y tres veces diario, creo que estoy sufriendo de bracutitis aguda.
Gracias por tan bellas e inspiradoras palabras tan temprano me encanto y me siento muy identificada contigo.
Te repito mil gracias.

Me gustaria conocerte yo vivo en Santiago y espero que sigas escribiendo cosas asi de vez en cuando para animarnos a todos.


Jamie Dawn said...

This post was great. I can tell you are a very honest person and very loving. I'm glad you're living life doing things that please you. There's nothing wrong with that. From what you said, I see you're not a self-centered person, just someone who now has a great sense of self. Keep on living. laughing, loving, and being the geeky computer girl you are. I love blogging because I meet people like you. I wish you continued happiness.

Anonymous said...

ahh! porque compras lo que te dan deseos, pediste el ballet box para Camila...todavia sueño con una casita con patio!!!

Bracuta said...

El punto de comentar anónimmo es que yo no sepa quién es, pero como lo de la cajita sólo lo sabemos Camila, tu y yo, así que estoy segura de saber que fuiste tu.
Sobre la casita con patio, estoy trabajando en eso, no te precoupes.