Monday, December 12, 2005

I shall say this for the last time…

I know you read my blog, so I’m forced to tell you what I need to say here, because I really don’t want to talk to you.
You might think this is a very immature way to end things (REALLY END THEM) but the thing is that I have to resort to this, making it public, so that maybe you’ll finally acknowledge that this time it’s for real. Or better yet, maybe you’ll get pissed at me for airing our dirty laundry in front of complete strangers, but it will also serve its purpose: you will finally leave me alone.
IT IS OVER.
I know that my attitude last night might’ve appeared very strange to you. I put myself in your shoes and I realize that the way I treated you must’ve appeared weird and crazy. I’m sorry, I was just annoyed by your presence…
Here’s the thing: I’m tired of this. I’m tired of dealing with you, with us. I’m simply worn out.
I try to end things in good terms whenever a relationship is over. I tried that with you. I tried to be your friend. I tried to work things out. I honestly tried.
Do you want to know what triggered this? Here it goes: do you remember a few weeks ago, the last time we spoke? Do you remember how you treated me? Do you remember all those things you told me? Remember your obsessive-compulsive attitude? Do you remember me telling you to let it go? Do you remember you calling me at work and me telling you I was busy and that I really didn’t want to fight with you over some stupid joke? Do you remember not wanting to hang up even after I told you I couldn’t talk? Do you remember how many times I told you I HAD to hang up? Do you remember yourself fighting over the phone, even when I was telling you I couldn’t talk because my boss was right there with me? Do you remember me hanging up on you? Do you remember you almost insulting me over messenger? Did you really think that was necessary?
I felt I was stuck in a time warp and I had gone some 5 years back, to the time when all you did was try to push my buttons (I think you enjoyed making me mad and seeing me cry). I just felt as if we were back to when things were almost over between us and you did everything in your power to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
How can someone do that? How can someone that tells you that they love you and that they want to spend the rest of their life with you treat that person the way you treated me?
All those things you said, did you really think I cared? Did you think that telling me you could do with your life whatever you wanted would actually hurt me? Did you actually think I had any desire to be part of your life? Did you think I was going to go insanely jealous because you were with someone at the party? Need I remind you who called who to go to the party? For crying out loud! I would’ve been ecstatic if you’d hooked up with someone because that would've meant that finally you’d be out of my life! I’ve been hoping since the day we finally broke up that you would find someone and settle down, so that maybe you’d stop calling and trying to be in my life? Why do you think I told you to give your ex the ring? Because I thought that maybe if you got married to her then it would be the end of this!
Man, I really desperately need you to be out of my life.
I thought you’d grown up. I thought that after all these years and a few relationships later you’d changed enough and become an adult. I thought that all those detestable trademarks of your personality had been washed away by maturity (you are, after all, 32 years old). I thought that after all these years you had learned to distinguish bad from good and actually learned how to treat a woman. Oh, how wrong I was!
I really can’t believe that I’ve been dealing with you for the worst part of more than 12 years. 12 years! Javier is 12! Good Lord! And the worst part of this is that in all these years I’ve seen myself grow and yet you’re stuck in the same place, being the same insecure asshole that needs to make everyone else feel smaller because that’s the only way you’ll ever feel better.
I don’t believe in regret. I believe that everything happens for a reason and if I’ve made mistakes they’ve only made me stronger. BUT, right now I really do regret walking that day at the university cafeteria and talking to you. Furthermore, I regret that Easter weekend where we got together at Puerto Plata. I regret everything that has happened since that April 9th of 1993 up until yesterday.
Having to mention your name because of something you said or did has become a drag lately. I hate talking about you. I was talking to a friend the other day about you and I and what has become of us. This person told me that due to the way things ended between us (you called me that Monday after Mother’s Day some years back, I told you I would call you back and I never did and then it was "over"), apparently we had unfinished business. She said that the only way to end it was either getting back together or getting back together (no chance). I told her I’d die before getting back together with you. I think I would. Just the thought of going thru all that crap again makes me wanna puke. Just the thought of letting you do all that damage to me again makes me wanna jump off a bridge or get in the middle of the highway so that a car can run me over. This is how much I want to be with you.
Since we broke up, I‘ve grown in so many ways you can’t even begin to know. I’ve learned to trust and believe in myself. I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned that my happiness is mine and that I am the only one who can control my life. I don’t need anyone beside me to be happy. I learned that no one, not even you, should be able to disturb my inner peace. I’ve learned that no one can control me. Not even you.
Last night after I got home I decided I was going to think about us for the last time, so I let myself remember all those things that happened between us. Some of the good came back, but all I could think about were mostly the bad things. From the beginning. I know I was just a kid back then, but now I just can’t believe I let you do all those things to me. You said you loved me, yet you made me be “the other woman” not once, but twice. You knew how I felt for you, and yet you found some strange and diabolical pleasure in making out with her in my face, as if you wanted to make me feel like a lesser being. You don’t know how much that hurt me. Telling me about all your plans together, acting as if nothing was going on in front of everyone. I could say in my defense that I was with you before you were with her, but how do you think it made me feel? Granted, when you met her you told me you liked her, and since there was nothing serious going on between us, you were free to do as you pleased. By the time you were ready to go into a relationship with her, you knew I had feelings for you because I had told you so (do you remember that night you called me and I was crying my eyes out?). And yet that night when you asked her to be your girlfriend, what did you do? You left her house, made a u-turn a drove a block to my house to tell me your good news. I was happy for you, but my heart was torn. And yet, when it was time for you to go, what did you do? You kissed me! YOU KISSED ME! I was so confused! You had chosen her over me (which was so good for my self esteem by the way) and then you make me your bitch? Did you think that was OK? Who gave you permission to toy with my emotions and with my life? You knew I was way in head over heels for you, yet you took advantage of that in the worse possible way. I had to see you with her every single day, not only in the neighborhood but at the university as well. I could hear your car from my place. As soon as I heard you leave I knew that within 5 minutes you’d be at my door. Do you know how much that hurt me? Do you know how much I doubted myself and how bad I felt in being in that position (you know where I stand regarding getting involved with people that already are in a relationship)? Do you know how much that scarred me? Do you know how low I felt, especially when I just couldn’t say no to you because by then I was madly in love with you?
I should’ve known right there and then that you would never be able to appreciate me and give me the status I rightfully deserved.
And then came the happiness. We were officially a couple (took you long enough to make a choice, more than a year later). I can’t deny that the first year I was in a state of bliss. Even after the second year, after you proposed, I actually did think that we would end up together. Then our true selves came out.
I know it was not exclusively your fault. I agree that I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend (I am not easy to deal with), but I think that my bad side came out because deep down inside I regretted most of the things that had happened between us before we were finally a couple. Bad grounds to start with.
You know, I try to think of our happy moments, but all that pops into my head is our fights. Oh, how I hated fighting with you! Did you know I got scared sometimes because of how you used to follow me around, or better yet, stalk me? Of how I could not go anywhere where you couldn’t find me? Of how you even called my friends to find out about me and no matter where I was you would always magically appear there. Do you remember how I used to be having dinner at H&H and you would just drive up, park your car in front of me and just made your presence be noticed? Do you think that was normal? How I heard your car furiously driving around my house whenever we had an argument? Do you think that was mature on your part? How that one time when I was alone at home and we fought and you went by, me not letting you inside the house and you banging so hard on the windows that you actually bent one? I got so scared; I thought if I opened the door you would actually physically hurt me. And the beeper. How you insistently paged me and left insulting messages when we fought and I had gone out for a drive to cool my head. 20 pages in a row and then you’d get in your car and follow me around. I don’t know about you, but that sounds sick to me.
At those times, I was even scared of going home, because I knew your car would be parked in the street and you would go out of your way to not let me get inside. Or how something happened while we were in your car and I told you to take me home and you wouldn’t, so I was confined to that little space besides a completely insane man that kept on hitting the steering wheel and that would only insult me and not think clear? I forgot all the times I tried to open the door and get out of the car, not caring if I hurt myself by throwing myself out of a moving car. I was sure that no matter what would happen to me, it would not be worse than staying there with you. That’s how much I was afraid of you. And then you wondered why I ever told you I didn’t want to get married to you anymore… (I’m sorry, I know that hurt you, but I just couldn’t think of spending the rest of my life with a mad man).
I will not even get into what you did to my self esteem. Do you know you made me feel like shit whenever you asked for my opinion on something and then you would ask a completely stranger for theirs and you would end up believing them and not me? You threw that in my face! And then when I was gaining weight you continuously told me so (do remember you were very fat back then?). Did you think I was blind? How do I think I coped with the pressure of being with you?
Fast forward all those years of torture. We were over (I thought for good), and you had found yourself a new girlfriend. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you pop back into my life and I foolishly fall back into your arms! I hate you for that! But most of all, I hate myself for doing exactly what you expected from me.
A few months ago, your girlfriend had a moment of clarity and dumped your sorry ass. Who do you come crying to? ME! Of all people, you chose me to be your support during that time. You called me 17 times a day, you cried and bitched, you (obsessively) told me the story over and over again. And not once did you even think about what you were putting me thru. Do you know what it taught me? It showed me that you hadn’t changed an ounce, that you were still the same person with the same compulsiveness who had been with me. I know how she felt with what you were doing, I was there once, but at least she had the ovaries to put an end to it, something I apparently never did.
Things have gone too far. It is incredible how the mere mention of your name actually gets me in a bad mood. And yet you don’t seem to notice. Every time you call you always want to know about my life, especially my romantic life. You always ask if I’m dating someone (probably just to ruin it), you always want to know what I’ve done in complete details. You even have the guts to try to control my life (remember how you told me you didn’t know if you could handle it if I hooked up with someone that night at the party at the beach?). You always want to put me down. Shove your life in my face. You do and say things that you know annoy me, just to feel good.
This has got to stop.
I tried to be something good in your life. Whenever you needed support, I was there. Even when you lost your job I had my brothers give you a job (and we all know how that turned out). Whenever you had problems, I was the first one there. Whenever you needed moral support, I was unconditionally there. Now the question lies, were you ever there for me? Really?
I think that this was all just a huge waste of time.
Just in case you didn’t notice, I don’t want to talk to you. I blocked you and deleted you from my messenger. I erased all your numbers from my phones. I erased your email. I am not picking and will not pick up the phone when you call. If I ever see you anywhere, I’ll be polite and say hi, but don’t expect me to strike up a conversation with you.
I need you out of my life. NOW.
Please, stop calling me. Please, stop going by my house. Please, if you ever see my car parked somewhere DO NOT stop (like you know you do) just to see what I’m doing. Do not follow me around (like you did yesterday). I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want you to be my friend (you really don’t know what being friends is, at least not with me). I need some peace in my life, and you certainly don’t give me any. I need you in my life as much as I need my backaches.
Go your way. I want to go mine.
You drag energy from me. You make all the bad come out. You make me a detestable person. You lessen me. You hold me back.
Find someone else that can make you feel big. Find somebody else that you can treat the way you’ve treated me. Find someone else to hear all your bs. Find someone else that needs you in their life to feel whole. Find someone else to torture. Just leave me alone.
It is true I loved you like I had never loved before. It is also true that I will never love someone that way again, because the next time I will love that person even more than what I loved you. Too bad this had to go to extremes. Too bad I just can’t stand your presence anymore. Too bad you also had to ruin this friendship. Too bad it had to end this way. Too bad you ever came into my life…
I know you may hate me for this, but if this is what it takes for me to move forward, then so be it.
Remember, I might forgive, but I never forget.
I may be a bitch, but I am not YOUR bitch. Not anymore.
Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Birthday. Happy life. I never wanna see you again.
Good night, and good luck…

19 comments:

Kiki A.Ortiz said...

ok..no lo lei entero duh,y no era pa mi tampoco..pero mientras leia la mayor parte me reia por pensar q hay personas q de verdad no respiran si no arrastran al otro a su porqueria de vida, y tambien ver q RUEGAS pq se salga de su vida y en un momento rogabas al cielo q el fuera parte de ella...el se ha quedado varado pq esta arrastrando su pasado,y no va a salir de ahi hasta q no suelte el saco ese y salga corriendo,ojala no se le haga tarde

suerte mana,q Dios te quite eso de arriba

Ivan T.B. said...

Sentí tu desesperación creeme... lo sentí.

Evie said...

Wow, that was some intense, heart-felt writing. Im drained just reading about it, dont know how you lived through it. To whoever that jerk was: GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU!!!!!

lagitti said...

Sé que no somos amigas para darte un consejo tan íntimo, pero: NO VUELVA CON EL, NO LE COJAS LLAMADAS , SI LO VES FRENTE A TU CASA LLAMA A ALGUIEN, NO TE QUEDES SOLA, NO SOMOS SUPERHEROES (a veces nos lo creemos pero NO lo somos!!). Ese hombre sólo te va a llevar al Cristo Redentor.

Diego said...

Oye, si te sigue persiguiendo ponle una querella (creo que en la Secretaría de la Mujer hay una oficina para ayuda en esos casos).

Bracuta said...

Well Evie, sadly you know who it is... our ex co-worker's bro...

bigotez said...

On iTunes: Alanis Morissette - You oughta know

cloklis said...

omg. girl.. omg.. I could imagine you in tears writting this. I know the anger and desperation that one feels in this type of situations.

they are just a bunch of egoistical assholes. No lavan ni prestan la batea.

Tu vas a estar bien ahora. Just dont go back to where you where at the beginning. remember how you felt as you lived thrue all of that...

How you felt afterwards. Those endless nights crying your eyeballs out.

How you felt writting that.

Chin Up pretty lady. You don't need assholes in yourlife. Don't take bull from anyone less than you!

p.d. yo si lo lei..enterito!! yo te dije que tengo paciencia:P

La Voz Rebelde said...

Mira no sea abusadora, y pon la foto de ese enema. LOL. Ya que tu pusiste y no metiste en tu vida con este stalker, pon una foto para ponerle cara. El pueblo quiere saber quien es.

Anonymous said...

Holy Fuck!!! Ha ese tipo lo que hay que darle es una buena salsa.
I believe you have brothers, talk to them and you'll see. Si una vaina asi se lo hace a mi hermana, le pongo los cojones de sombrero.
E'ma I'm going to DR in february, post a pict of and where to find him, y tu vera que se le van a quitar las vainas. Ese lo que necesita es una buena Pela.
Toy demasiado encojonao pa seguir escribiendo(no al maltrato de la mujer)

_José

Bracuta said...

Foto? No ombe, no se lo merece. Lo único que le deseo es buena suerte, pero que por favor me deje en paz.
No creo que ni con pela crezca...

henry siteber said...

Me da mucha pena tu experiencia. Espero que ese hijodeputa se desaparesca. Al mismo tiempo creo que deberias examinar tu vida y preguntarte porque permitiste todo eso.
Me parece que tienes selfworth issues para maltratarte tan mal a ti misma.
Remember this: always teach people how to treat you.

bau said...

Bracuta, lo lei completo, gracias a Dios que nunca he pasado por esa y le pido que me libre.

No esta demas que te cuides de este enfermo (me disculpas que le llame asi). La verdad no es de fiar.

Anonymous said...

por favor, por lo k tu mas kieras no me digas k es el Entruñado, por Dios pork me vas a romper el corazon, lol...

Bracuta said...

No! Nunca! Nada que ver! Este es Jeepecito, el pendejo por el que dejé de salir con Entruñado... Si hubiese sabido en ese momento lo que se ahora, te juro que nunca hubiese dejado a Entruñado por este tipo...

chili said...

*gulps*

Libélula said...

Ay mana!!! Me quedé de una pieza leyendo esto...Como dijo Diego, si te sigue buscando le pones una querella pa que lo tranquen!!!

Nightcrawler said...

mier........hermana, tengo un nudo en la garganta..... no te imaginas cuantas cosas de ahi me han pasado,... ,....me pasan ...... mier....

Anonymous said...

i think you still want him... I can tell by some words in the writting that maybe he found someone new and you see that he is no longer into you and thats why you decided to put an end to the "booty calls" he prob had with you....he obviously also has lots of mental problems since he prob cheated all his previous girlfriends with you....but its healthy for you to put an end to all of it...but step out of the denial circle...you still want him...that is why you wrote all that and that is why you would put this much effort...which is why i am inclined to believe any of this.