Monday, June 26, 2006

So now what?

I don’t know. Something happened to me over the weekend.
On Friday I received some bad news regarding a friend which really got me down. Later that night, after I left Javi’s b-day party I went straight home. I had plans to either go to the party at Loft or go to another party with a friend, but it was too early so I got home, showered and started watching TV. All of the sudden, my heart began to race. My parents had parked across the street from my sister’s and I suddenly got the impression that they were going to be mugged on their way to the car.
Every once in a while I get these bad feelings which I try to dismiss. Sometimes these bad feelings turn out to happen, which is why I hate having them, so I often try hard not to think about bad stuff.
As time went by and my parents didn’t arrive, I got more and more preoccupied. I was very uneasy and started praying for them. This helped but I still couldn’t shake it. Finally, my parents got home and I was relieved, but the feeling stayed with me the whole night.
Needless to say, I didn’t feel much like going out and neither of my friends called (and I didn’t call them either), so I got in my pj’s and went to bed. I tossed and turned in bed, feeling worse by the minute. I didn’t get much sleep and was glad when the sun finally rose.
After doing my usual Saturday morning chores, I went home. I still felt weird for no reason though. I spent the day and the night at home, watching TV and feeling worse by the minute. I had the same trouble going to sleep/sleeping as the night before and felt extremely uneasy (this time my parents were at home, so I had no reason to feel the way I did).
Sunday was the worse. I received some other news from a friend which also got me sad. I spent the whole day in obscurity, either listening to music or watching TV. I felt disconnected, out of place. Nothing appealed to me, nothing made me change my mood. I didn’t want to go online, I didn’t want to watch TV, I didn’t want to take pics, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to breathe….
What on Earth is wrong with me?
It’s not the weather; I love rainy days. It’s not the movies I saw (it was a totally chick-flick weekend; I even watched 2 of my favorite movies of all times). Nobody did anything to me. Everybody was nice to me, I was nice to everybody.
What?
Sometimes I ask myself why all the hassle. I mean, at the end we are all going to die, so no matter what we do we will always end up dead. Then, when we finally go up there or wherever it is that we’ll go, nothing will matter because we’ll be close to God and none of the things that we did down here will really have any importance (I mean, it will because it is because of those things that we either go “up” or “down”, but I know what I mean).

I want to cry and I don’t know why.
I want to cease and I don’t know why.
I don’t want anything and I don’t know why.
Why?

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have felt the same way, even with a lot of people around me I felt out of place, lonely and sad. Once I thought that happens because I was not sharing my life with anybody, so I decided to have boyfriends! I had around 5 boyfriends in a period of 4 years, one after the other, the fact that I was feeling loved keep me happy for a while, I loved the way I feel when I am in love, it makes all my worries disappear.. but you know what? I have discovered that no man, no feeling can make me feel fine and alive if I do not change my attitude towards life.. I started to talk to my self, I decided to be alone for a while, with no boyfriend, decided to take time for just sharing with my self, and I discovered that life is very fast, is like a shooting start, is gone the minute you see it.. so when I feel down, I pray, I try to do something I enjoy and now I finally found someone that really loves me who has brought joy and happiness to my life, someone that won my hart by being patient, caring and understandable, someone who understood me and loved me for who I really am.. I had to move to USA in order for me to find my real me, I am a psychologist graduated from INTEC, I felt trapped in my own city in my own country, because I did not agree with our “democratic system” in which the power can do it all and the disorganization is the way of living, nor in our superficial society… I was so mad at my self for believe in a country that ignorance ties it hands and you can’t do nothing because you are crazy if you try to change the mind setting.. now I feel free, mature, happy and now I know how to deal with my worries and depressions when I have them.. I left the country my Dominican Republic, live in a place that is organized in which there is discrimination, but at least you have the right to fight it, a place where I share with people from all over the world, a place in which you learn how to respect other’s differences and a place that has shown me that life is more than what we see.. Bracuta.. vive la vida, se va no vuelve, trata de disfrutar la soledad y de compartir tu vida con alguien que te sume y te complemente, alguien que te haga feliz en un medio en el cual tu puedas encontras las herramientas que te motiven a seguir viviendo libre y feliz, aprende a conocerte mas, pues uno no para dia tras dia de hacerlo.. ten mucha fe en Dios y manda al diablo las penas cuando no encuentras razones justificables para tenerlas… saca de tu Corazon toda angustia pues solo tu puedes hacerlo y recuerda que nadie muere en la vispera ni puedes hacer nada para contrarestar la voluntad divina, solo tienes control sobre tu ser, agarrate por tus riendas y vive.
Un abrazo fuerte.. leo desde aqui siempre todo lo que escribes. Cuidate mucho..

Mich78

Alexandra Agramonte said...

Hi

Brac. en verdad no entiendo ni papa del Blog,ya que no me defiendo mucho en ingles.. que pena , me gustaria que hicieras un copi en español de los Blog en ingles que haces , crees que puedas....? por fa ...shipi, besos y brazos bye.

bau said...

Bracuta creo que se llaman hormonas.
El sabado pasado me la pase muy parecido, no queria hablar, no queria dormir y pero aun tenian esta gran culpa porque sabia que tenia cosas que hacer y no las hacia. Esto se convirtio en enojo y no queria hablar con nadie ni que nadie me hablara. Dado que no tenia razon alguna para sentirme asi, le eche la culpa a las hormonas.

Mya said...

Tambien he tenido dias asi, dias en que pienso que nada vale, que no quiero ver a nadie ni hablar con nadie y me pregunto que es lo que me pasa??
Entonces pienso que debo dejar de ponerme asi, disfrutar las cosas que la vida me esta ofreciendo AHORA porque nada me garantiza que las tendre para siempre...
Un abrazo desde Santiago,

Claudia T. said...

It's normal to have those feelings. It had happened to me, and I'm sure to a lot of people. For no apparently reason, we feel blue, don't want to do anything at all, and it isn't easy to fall asleep. But everything ends. Another day will come, and we'll see the sun shining, we'll feel full of energy, and we'll really apreciate that. Every time in our life is special, so we must enjoy every single minute because we don't know when our life will end. As you said, we all know we're going to die, but no one knows when will that be. So enjoy, feel good with all you have and wait for another day to come.

henry siteber said...

Everybody has a bad day or two, but it doesn't mean that we understand how you feel.
If you continue to feel this way, please seek medical attention.
I've been hospitalized over panic attacks and anxiety disorder. You could have a mild case of clinical depression.
If you start feeling really well for a day or two and then bad again, you could have a bipolar disorder.
The whole thing sucks while it's happening, but like everything else, it too will pass (medication helps).
My wife and I are both bipolar. We take medication in order to function, But I still can't say I know exactly how you feel.

Suerte.

Anonymous said...

I was afraid this post was going nowhere...

JH said...

I had no idea that preoccupeid existed.. the word i mean:P (i looked it up afterward) anyways.. . ESO SE LLAMA CUAJA :P

Next time you feel like that how 'bout calling your nephew so he can give you some company!

cloklis said...

yo con un sobrino asi, hasta un carro creo que le regalo!

anyways. El sabado estaba en una asi como tu.. me la pase viendo hallmark channel movies y en pijamas... me las vine a quitar como a las 9:30 que dije hell with it..voy a ver calle. Pero pa na..gaste gasolina fue.

normalmente cuando uno se siente asi, turns out to be nothing. So take it easy bella.. no te dejes tumbar por eso.

if you want to cry, cry. you can shout, kick, scream, break something! just get it out of your chest.

If it happens again, and nobody calls you, gimme a call, i always have something to do.

xoxo

ima said...

It could be PMS? or some sort of panic attack? let me know...love ya ima

Anonymous said...

Bracu,carpe diem!

anarquista said...

You need to get laid!

annush said...

Fuck getting laid...hahahaha...

i crack myself up...

anyway, what you need is *drumroll*
*still dumrolling*
*drumrolling some more*

PITA CHIPS :D:D

laclaudis said...

puede ser un ataque de panico, crisis existencial o de ansiedad...eso es muy comun en este pais que no ofrece nada a nadie ni te facilita las cosas....a mi me paso la semana pasada cuando exploto mi monitor! debido a los paagones...cojelo suave!

Anonymous said...

Hoy en una charla escuche que segun los estudiosos de la psiquis estamos viviendo en el siglo de la angustia, donde sentimientos como los que tuviste son comunes. Yo creo que hay que aprender a vivir con los buenos y malos sentimientos, y cuando estas en un blue phase, tienes alternativas:1. call a friend, someone who will either make you laugh, listen to you or go out with you to get shitfaced happy/drunk 2. watch tv 3. hug la bomba 4. chill 5. go out for "la clasica" 6. hug yourself 7. hacer una cita con Rafelito o llamar a la amiga que sirve de Rafelito, en fin tienes alternativas, ese es el regalo de Dios you get choose.

love ya Nenina