Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sometimes I fail...

As all beings on this Earth, I am nowhere near perfect. I am aware of this and even though I am usually nice and kind, sometimes the beotch inside of me comes out and makes her way. I try to control her, but every once in a while she wins the battle and acts up.
I hate it. I hate her.
Today I was a beotch. Today I was mean to someone I care about. Today I made that person feel bad. Today I hurt someone’s feelings.
It wasn’t on purpose. I was acting out my frustration about something that person was telling me. I forgot I was an adult and acted like a spoiled conceited brat. Today I felt like I did when I was back in school in a really complicated math class. Today I felt I didn’t understand something that was being explained to me and instead of bringing out the best in me and focusing into understanding, I just shut down and reacted. In a negative way. I didn’t say it out loud but deep down inside I heard a little known voice saying “I don’t understand and I don’t care to understand.”
I should’ve shut it down. I should’ve kept it in.
I shouldn’t have done what I did.
Some years ago I was beotch to two of the people I most cared about. Some years ago I shut myself away from my true friends. Back then I understood I had reasons to do it. Today, I’m not so sure anymore.
Almost 2 years ago I said I was sorry to one of them.
Last Saturday I said I was sorry to the other one. It took me almost 3 years to say it, but I did and right then and there I felt as if a ton of bricks was being lifted off my shoulders.
Last night I said I was sorry once more. It felt like heaven when I heard the words “I forgive you.”
Today I said I was sorry, but I still feel bad. No matter if I immediately heard “I forgive you” I still feel bad.

Something the beotch inside of me clouds my judgment.

I hate that part of me.
I hate being a beotch.


Anonymous said...

Hola Eny
Recuerda que somos humanos, lo cual es sinonimo de que nos equivocamos. Errar es propio de nosotros, no te sientas tan mal. Lo mas importante es que dijiste lo que tenias que decir, pedir perdon no es facil, es solo de gente con muchas virtudes, claro esta, solo si ese perdon es sincero.
Hasta pronto

Anonymous said...

Somos humanos, tienes el derecho de equivocarte once in a while... hiciste tu parte, you said I'm sorry... Y si la persona te perdonó, amen...se que sientes que todavia eso no se ha cerrado, pero aceptalo y sigue dando lo mejor de ti, aprende de esa experiencia y pa lante!

Anonymous said...

ay mi Dios tengo que aprender ingles!!!!!!!!!!

cloklis said...

being a beotch is the way to go.

Everybody can be one to you...

but you can;t be a beotch once in a while?